Update

Nothing new is really happening.  We talked to our worker and she is helping us draw out the process, I am very grateful and relieved!  I am starting to get a bit excited, I can't buy any clothes yet but I have bought some fabric to make blankets and have a few hair things.  I just can't believe that by the end of the year I could have a little girl.  It is a very bizarre feeling to not start out pregnant and than wait the whole 9 months ect., I just am going to be given a girl!  Granted, chances are that I will have to give her back but the Lord is on my side and I just have to remember that, remain faithful that He knows better than I and keep my chin up.  What is meant to be is meant to be.  I had a little bit of panic about the whole thing but I am feeling calm and excited now.  My patriarchal blessing is very encouraging to me during this whole process and I find myself reading it almost everyday and being so grateful that I have it.  The Lord has blessed me so much already that despite the hardships that are going to be coming with our decision I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord will bless us.  He knows the desires of our hearts and we will be blessed (and made stronger during the process too)  I will end for now but this is where we are at, just waiting.  We should be licensed sometime in October, it should be after I am done with school and hopefully after I have taken my State Board exams and am a licensed cosmo!!  I can't WAIT to be done with school and to be working!!! 

Well, I tried :)

Ooops, there is a very real possibility that we have finished all of our classes.  I have been a slacker, I wanted to post after each class but I have barely posted at all.  The last few classes were so redundant that it was hard to stay awake during them.  Our last one was on Tuesday night.  We talked a lot about how things work with foster, adoption and all that.  A kind of "What to Expect" type of thing.  The rush of emotion is over, the excitement is over, the curiosity is done and now I just feel nothing.  I am not really excited to have a child placed with us yet, we are just not ready.  Our licensing process has been going way too fast despite my efforts to slow it down and it looks like we will be licensed BEFORE I am out of school.  I obviously cannot handle that.  Go figure, the government is going to fast for me, better enjoy it now because it will probably never happen again LOL.  School is really taking most of my thought and energy right now.  We have our State Inspection on Monday so I am trying to get ready for that.  Everybody says it is really easy but I am super nervous, I am that nerd that will forget the easiest things!  This blog will really get more interesting once we start getting kids placed with us.  The main focus for this blog is to inform people of what it is really like.  I wish more people were open to this that have good families.  I understand it is not for everyone, but there are so many little ones that need help!  Ok that came out as a guilt trip and I did not mean it that way at all.

I guess I am just out of things to say at this point about all of it.  I am overwhelmed by how fast they are moving things, the classes weren't helping me in any way there in the end and we just plum aren't ready to take on another child yet and I know once we are certified we are going to start getting calls for these children and I am going to have to say no.    I have asked my worker multiple times that I do not want ANY calls until I am done with school at least so I really hope that that will happen, I am going to have a hard time saying no when they call and have an infant that needs a home, I will probably say yes LOL.  We all have our weaknesses and mine happens to be brand new babies!

Speaking of babies I need to go get mine in bed, sorry I don't have much to say but we were excited we finished our classes and things are getting started.  I guess ready or not here it goes!   

Meeting 7

We only have 4 meetings left!  I am very excited to have my Tuesday nights back!  We had our first home visit (we will have 4 and a state inspection).  We cleaned the house, garage, yards, car inside and out!  We even shampooed our carpets.  Maricella is our worker, she came, Blake wanted her to hold him and look at him the whole time or he would scream.  It was super fun.  I would try to hold him or distract him and he would blow me off.  That kid is a ham LOL.  She came, talked to Dan and I for about 20 mins than left.  She didn't even look past the living room.  All that cleaning for that!  Oh well it is always so nice to have it done!  She is coming again tomorrow morning for our second visit and I will be interviewed this time.  I know that she called a lot of our contacts this week and I think they went well.  I was a bit embarrassed because I put down the wrong number for one of Dans' friends Chris Lowder who he has none since childhood.  Instead I put down our new neighbors number, I have known the guy for 4 months LOL.  Luckily I go to school with his wife, it took me a while to figure out why in the world they were calling them, but soon figured out my mistake.  
  We are feeling the exhaustion of constantly being on the go.  The boys are feeling it too and are rewarding us with lots and lots of crying fits.  Oh the joys!   Good preparation for what is coming though right?  This week we talked about separation, mainly preparing the child to go home and most importantly disruption.  Disruption is when you have a child in your home, things are not working out and you have that child moved to a different Foster Home.  My main goal is truly to never do this.  They say it happens to everyone, but I just cannot imagine doing that to a child.  They really want you to know yourself, we actually have to fill out a "know yourself" worksheet every week.  They list all sorts of situations and behaviors and go around the room and ask what you deal breakers would be.  Any good moral person would want to help and give everything they have to these little children who have been in these horrible situations.  The problem is that these kids have their personalities altered by what they have gone through.  Healing in a very slow progress, it can even take YEARS.  The first 6 weeks are what they call the "honeymoon" stage, than things start changing after that 6 week mark and are supposed to start improving around the 6 MONTH mark.  It is such a long term commitment, a very slow progressing long term commitment.  They for obvious reason highly discourage disruption but would rather you do that than snap on a kid and hit them ect.  I am trying to be very realistic with myself, in all honesty I think that before we dive into this Blake needs to be older.  I don't think it is fair to him to have to give up his mom until about 3, when I say give up I really mean share I guess.  I was told this process took a lot longer than what is actually does and I am not feeling ready yet.  He is still a baby really, I can't take on a problem baby and have my own baby at the same time.  I think for about a year we are going to go on the Private Adoption list and see if we can get a newborn but our chances are really low but it might bide me the time we are looking for.  After about a year when Blake is almost 3 than we will venture into the Foster side of it.  We haven't officially decided yet.  We are just playing with different ideas.  It is all getting so close and I am feeling so overwhelmed with school, being mom, fostering and my mother is getting married this week for her third time.  It is all just too much!!  I can't really make any rational decisions right now.  I need to focus on the immediate and that is really my kids and school.  We probably shouldn't have done this all at once, it was just so convenient to have a set babysitter here all the time.  What's done is done and I do believe things happen for a reason, so I am here for a reason LOL.  We will figure it all out and I am sure that it will work out for the best it always seems to.  Thanks for letting me ramble, it helps just being able to express what I am thinking.  We have all been sick lately too so it doesn't help anything!!     

Meetings 5 and 6

I know I keep complaining but life needs to slow down!  Going to school full time is more of a challenge than I had expected, I really have a new respect for those of you that work full time.  I miss my kids so much!  Meeting 5 was on discipline.  It really turns your brain around when they call spanking corporal punishment.  It sounds so horrible when they put it that way LOL.  As I evaluated myself I did realize that most of the time I spank is when I am being lazy or really frustrated  They talked about the different ways to punish, I guess not really punish but teach the children between right and wrong and when you just hit someone it teaches them nothing.  It makes them fear you.  I know this is true but old habits and years of being raised a certain way is hard to change.  The bottom line is whether I choose to spank my kids or not any children that come into my home are in no way to ever be spanked or anything even resembling to it.  They give a very good perspective though, most of these children come out of extremely abusive homes, they need to be taught and loved more than anything.  Anne told us about one child who screamed whenever she say a high heel, you can use your imagination there.  Another one who screamed whenever they saw someone smoking.  They need to be able to see me as a safety net, a safe ground and any physical force I use with them does not comply with my goal.  It is also very interesting because you think of your own kids when you think of discipline.  You think that when they are screaming because they don't want to take a shower, it;s just a power struggle and they need to take that shower.  With Foster kids you have no IDEA why they are screaming to not get into the shower, they could just be being stubborn or their parents could have used the shower as something horrible and I just don't know what it is.  Communication is really going to be key.  Picking and choosing your battles brings on a whole new definition.  One of our teachers also brought up that we might have to lower our standards for these children.  We expect so much from our own children but they have had a mother and father who have held them and loved them.  These kids have not had that, they will not meet the same expectation that I have for my own children.  It is truly fascination to me the more we  get into this the less shocked I am over what I hear.   If nothing else I am getting desensitized to the horribleness that is our world and what these sweet little ones face.  Anne told us about a little 12 month old little girl who came in, was being sexually abused and had 8 broken ribs.  Stories like hers used to make me cry in class.  Now I try to think of the recovery time for this girl and what other effects we would potentially see in her and really look at myself and REALISTICALLY say that I could beyond a shadow of a doubt jump in and say YES I will take thing young little thing that has already had her innocence stripped from her, I am willing to be up all night while she screams because her ribs hurt her so much and still be up by 6:00 to take care of the rest of my family.  Everyone would want to come in and help and love and cuddle this little girl but after a month of taking care of her and the crying that is not her fault will you still be singing the same song?  Will you snap in exhaustion than want to give her to another family which will only damage this poor little thing further?  These are the kind of things that they are really drilling into our heads, stop; think; know that you can do this.  This is not for the faint or light of heart because that poor little girl could be happy and healthy and almost a normal baby and in one year that mom gets her back, or Grandma decides she wants her ect.

Week 6 I was so exhausted I barely remember what the class was about; but what really struck me was a couple that is taking the class also.  They are a younger couple, both teachers and they are doing a kinship.  The wife's brother and his girlfriend had a baby, there were so many drugs in the baby's system that they hospital automatically took the baby away from the parents and gave the teacher temporary custody.  This poor little drug addicted girl had to stay in the hospital 8 weeks before she could be released.  She screams for hours on end, there is nothing you can possibly do for her except just hold her and love her.  She has no ability to soothe herself so you have to do it for her.  She doesn't like any swing, bouncer ect..  She is happiest when she is being held.  She is severely delayed in her milestones (right now she is only 4 1/2 months old).  These poor people are so exhausted but you can see how much they love her.  Her brother and girlfriend come out to visit the baby three times a week and before hand like to go meet their drug dealer.  They don't know if they are going to be able to adopt the baby or not.  It gave me quite the insight to what I might expect.  We really want a young one, hopefully a baby but this will most likely be our future.  With three other kids I doubt my abilities but I am sure gonna give it everything that I have!  That is enough for now!  I will post again in a few weeks I am sure. 

Meetings 2-4

I know I said I was going to post step by step but life has been so busy and have not had time to really sit down and post; now I am having a hard time remembering what even happened in meeting 2 LOL.  We sat the boys down to talk to them about what Foster Care is, that they will be getting a little sister but that we might have to give her back to her family.  We talked about why they were being taken away from their own family and being placed with us and of course kids being kids were all, "well you are mean to us, you didn't let me play last week" kind of things so we had to try as hard as we could to age appropriately explain what what we meant by parents being mean really meant.  Brock was excited about a little sister but didn't really say much past that, Shane on the other hand started really crying, it made him very upset that people would be so mean to a little kid.  It was very sweet, I thing he was kind of understanding what was going on.  

As we keep going along this track the excitement is dying off and the reality is setting in.  It raises all sorts of questions about yourself personally; am I strong enough, can I really do this, do I have enough patients????  CAN I DO THIS???  Dan and I have talked and talked and talked about it and we both think that we can, we know it is going to be a very hard road, we know we have chosen the road that is unconventional and is going to be very difficult.  But we also KNOW that we cannot be 100% sure that we can or cannot do it until we actually do it.  Being aware of who we are and our weaknesses as parents are not only helping us prepare for what is coming; it is making us so much more aware of the parents we are now and how we can improve ourselves.  So if nothing else comes out of this we will be better parents and people. 

We have talked a lot about the structure and foundation that makes a person a whole person that can progress and  learn.  I will try not to go into too many stories this round but there is a lot of neglect and abuse which affects a child, even a very small child in their ability to trust and even to thrive.  We have talked about how when the basic needs are not met it shakes the foundation of who that person is going to be.  If you don't feed your baby when it cries, it quickly learns that you cannot trust.  Physical contact is just as important.  Going through all these steps has been our main objectives, than we talk about the behaviors that are attached to these missing steps.  So a toddler who has never been fed on time or when he was hungry might hoard or hide food, overeat and puke.  Last week talked a bit about being patient and very understanding about these childrens behaviors. She had one kid who refused to go to a buffet, he would throw a huge fit and refuse to go to a buffet.  One day they took him to a buffet without telling him it was a buffet and he loved it; his mother used to take him to a patch of grass and tell them to go eat at the "buffet", that they could eat all that they wanted.  It gives you a whole new perspective on a child who is throwing a fit about high heeled shoes (because the mother would hit the child in the head with them) or taking a shower at night.  That picking and choosing you battles is vital to both of your survival.  You never really know what is associated behind that fit.
I talked to a lady that brought up the kids who get taken away from their families that are good families and didn't deserve or need to be taken away.  I saw this as a concern so I talked to my worker about it.  She kind of chuckled and said she would love her job if this were the case.  These children go back into their homes and are still in serious danger, these kids get taken away for a very good reason and are given back for very minimal effort on the parent.

I had another lady tell me that I wasn't going to make a good Foster Parent because I was too emotionally involved.  I did not let her discourage me but I did realize that she had a very good point.  There is a hard balance that I need to achieve between treating and loving these children like my own but also knowing that the goal is for them to return back to their family.  I am hoping that we can adopt two little girls along the way of our journey but I have to KNOW and be confident with my ability to adjust to the reality that most will be back with their families.  So in the end I am grateful to her for pointing out that weakness for me, it was a hard reality to hear but one I needed.

All in all I feel like this is easily compared to marriage, everyone can warn you can tell you what it will be like but nothing can really prepare you and everyone's experience is so different but still very much the same.  I am doing my best to be in the right frame of mind and to be prepared but I don't know if you really can be totally prepared.

Brock has been talking to me almost constantly while writing this so I apologize if it is short and doesn't make much sense.  It is hard to concentrate with him jabbering :)  I go to my first meeting alone tomorrow night, it is on what you can and cannot do for disciplining.  It will be interesting.   

I do just want to say thank you to all who have been supportive of us.  I can honestly say that it has been an even split between really critical people and very supportive people.  There are a few in there who I think do not really like the idea but are pretending to be supportive, so I appreciate that also.  We both still feel like we are making the right choice and we are confident in ourselves.

The first out of 11 meetings

After our Orientation meeting, we had to pick an agency which I thought would be a cake walk, just pick one that is relatively close to you right???  WRONG, holy cow was I wrong.  I spent hours on the phone talking to different agencies and rating them.  Some made me feel guilty because I wanted to foster young (3 and under) little girls and I wanted more of a long term situation.  My guess for this is that they get this a lot and feel frustrated that they are not getting the type of Foster Parent that they are wanting so they were trying to push me into being what they needed me to be.  I can honestly say that at this point I was almost in tears and just about gave up.    I did not want to constantly have kids in and out of my home, I didn't think it was good for my kids or for me really.  Dan was great and helped talk me through a lot of this, reminded me that for us, things don't just go smoothly and easily.  We have to fight and keep looking for what we want.  So I did.  I didn't want to call this one agency called West Valley Child Crisis Center because in Utah anything that came out of West Valley City was just ghetto, but I was getting desperate so I called.  I talked to a lady named Ann.  She guessed right after I told her that I already had three boys that I was looking for a girl.  It took all of the guilt out of the situation for me, it is not an easy choice.  You start hearing about some of the stories and situations and you truly just want to help these children no matter who they are.  She was also very bold about how she strongly believed in permanency for the children and trying to be an advocate for the child, not the parent.  I know that sounds really harsh but before you judge just keep reading the blog, you will understand later what I mean.  I knew within a moment that this was our agency.  We set up our consultation meeting for that day and started our classes the day after.  Meeting with Ann was a great experience, we got a truck load of paperwork to begin on and got a feel for what we were in for.  I kind of wish that parents would have to go through the same process we are going through just to have their own kids.  I am betting all the people who are reading this blog would pass with flying colors, but there are really some people out there who should NOT be procreating!  We get a two page list of what we need to do, fill out and bring in.  That first Sunday I spent 4 hours filling out paper work and had just scraped the surface, not to mention the monstrous book they give us that I need to read.  At first I was like, right I am going to read that (in a very sarcastic tone)  but it is loaded with information that I NEED to know, so now I am just stuck LOL and have to read it.  I have been debating about whether to keep this strictly about my fostering experience or integrate my whole life into it, I still have not officially decided but I figured that I probably should give the whole experience and not just half.

Our first meeting also landed on my first day back to cosmetology school.  We felt like this was the best time to do the classes because the kiddos cannot come to any of these meeting and we have Celeste here and she is willing to take the kids for us at night.  It has been incredibly stressful and very overwhelming.  Our meetings are every Tuesday night from 6:30-9:30 for 11 weeks.  You cannot miss these meetings or you have to wait until the next round of classes to make it up, I think Dan is going to have to miss one in a few weeks because he will be out of town so that will hinder our licensing process and  put us back quite a bit but oh well, life happens.  Our first meeting was pretty much an orientation and just touching on a lot of beginning topics.  They talk a lot about knowing your and your family's needs.  If you don't know who you and your family are than how can you expect to successfully take in a child with more needs and deal with it?  It is harder to access than you would think.  They talk about what children you are willing to take and what they have been through.  Did you know that 85% of Foster kids have been sexually abused?  85%!!!!  Did you know that if the parent takes classes they can get their kids back?  We learn a lot of things that are very hard to hear, there was one parent who would drown their child for discipline, the foster family got that child and tried to bathe him and I am sure you can imagine how that went.  There are 4 year olds that use the stove and knives because they have to cook for themselves.  These are the kids that we have said yes, we can help that girl, I am willing to put the time, energy and most of all love into that child to try my best and repair what her parents have done to her.  But along with that I have to also say that I will communicate with that parent, give visitations and maybe even eventually give that child back to that parent.  I have to truly just remember that that child is a child of God and she will remember that someone somewhere out there had loved her once and that maybe it will make a difference in that little one's life.  I need to stop talking, we have been to two meetings and I need to have something to say about the second one too LOL.  At the end of our first meeting I could genuinely say that I felt such a sense of peace and excitement for what we were doing.  They people in there really feel like like your teammates, I have learned so much from them already.  It is a pretty neat feeling.          

The start of our journey

My name is Heather, we have three boys 7,4 &1.  We have talked for years about wanting to become Foster Parents but never really took it very serious.  After my third pregnancy I decided that I just could not be pregnant again, I get way too big and my body just couldn't handle it anymore.  We have financially struggled for a long time and the reality of being able to afford any other kids was looking very slim for us but we really wanted our family to grow.  The final hit for my husband was when we were in Seattle's Pike Place on a Wednesday morning and it was just ridiculously crowded, he felt very strongly that there is enough people on this earth, that we needed to help some that were already here and not bring more in.  For me the final decision was made by how I felt (real girl thing, I know).  There was such a strong peace in the decision and a real sense of excitement for me.  So we went to our first meeting.  It was very nerve racking.  Looking around at a lot of the people there with us I couldn't help but fall into the judgment of, "these people are just here for the money not to really help".  I was soon very ashamed of myself as these people started telling their stories and telling why they were there.  Most of them were there for kinship; which is when a relative or friend looses their child and they are already placed in your home you just have to go get training to make it legal.  There was one lady there that wanted to specialize in severely behaviorally challenged children, these children tend to be older and are so much work that the money means nothing to you once you are in the situation.  It is a job that I couldn't even pretend I could take on and I all of the sudden started looking at all these people with new eyes of admiration.

The hope of this blog is to really let me express my feeling and experiences that we are coming up on.  If any at all reads this I hope it can open your eyes to what Foster Care really is.  Kids are not taken out of their homes needlessly, if anything these children are more often than not put back into their homes needlessly if that makes sense.  You do not get paid very much so it is very hard to "work the system" I am sure there are ways but I don't really care to find out.  Our hopes are to help a few children and their families and eventually have a sweet little girl that we will be able to call our own.