Stewing

I have been stewing all day yesterday about all the things I still want to write down.  I don't have time to write everything down so this is my next best option as a journal.  The twins were qualified for daycare and so I decided to take them up on it.  So last week we got everything all lined up and they started daycare.  I thought it would be this huge relief, but it really wasn't.  It was just one more thing to get ready, one more place to drop off and pick up and the kids were horrible after they got home.  They were so ornery, mean and naughty that I have decided it really isn't worth the extra 12 hours of freedom.  I have also come to the realization of one of the huge advantages you have with your own kids; knowing them, knowing how to set them up to succeed and not fail.  I know how this sounds, but everyone goes through challenges with all of their children with behavior but you know them, you know how to help them succeed.  You know that when they get overwhelmed you can do this one certain thing to help them calm down.  As I am getting to know the twins I am starting to connect the behaviors to how they are feeling.  Aiden is getting tired when he starts getting into things or sometimes he is just needing my love.  Morgan usually only really acts out when she is tired or frustrated.  She is general is a pretty good little girl, she is just grumpy LOL.  My biggest challenge is learning how to set these two up to succeed.  They won't sit and watch a show or sit and read books.  They want me to hold them which quite frankly a lot of the time isn't an option, it can be for a few minutes but I have 5 kids now, a house that needs taken care of and dinners that do not cook themselves.  The only thing that I have found just out of shear irritation is putting them at their seats at the table.  I try to give them things to color on or play with but they just throw them and end up hitting each other with them so they usually sit there with nothing.  I HATE  this and I really am trying for other solutions, this is the, I am about to kill you if you don't stop, destination.  I am open to ideas here too LOL.  They need to have a safe spot where they can relax and calm down a bit.  My other kids can do that with a t.v. show and for Brock it is working on some sort of a project.  This is my goal right now.  Aiden thinks very much outside of the box.  He wants to see how things work so he takes them apart, pens (my favorite, it is super fun getting the ink out of your carpet) door knobs, sippy cups, you name it he want to take it apart.  He doesn't do it out of anger, you can see him looking at it and then start trying to fiddle with it and when it doesn't easily do what he wants it to he starts putting some muscle behind it. He loves to take off clothing and shoes at very inappropriate times, but will not do it when it is time for bed, I think he does it when he is mad.  I is like his revenge on me, "you tell me no, I take off my pants, so take that"  He has been very resistant to any physical affection.  He pushes away and at first would even cry.  He still will cry when I try to tickle him sometimes.  He kind of acts panicked, like I am trying to attack him.  I have had to move slow with him but I can now sometimes play with him and he will let me.  He is letting me love him a lot more too which I love.  We had a real problem at first with him trying to be too independent.  If he wanted something like and apple, he would go to any lengths to go get himself and apple.  We have had to really teach him to rely on me for the things he wants and needs.  To come ask mom (in his limited little language) for an apple or a drink etc.  He was putting himself in danger and was making a HUGE HUGE mess of everything.  This one has been the hardest because it just comes with time.  As he starts trusting me to take of his needs he won't be trying to fill them himself.  I have got to get him to stop pooping so much too, have no idea how this is done, I am guessing diet which I am fiddling with but the kids is pooping 5-7 times a day!!!  It gets expensive having to change all those poops, it seems kind of crazy to me, I don't even think he is eating enough to poop as much as he is!!!!

A huge accomplishment for me is bedtime.  They would scream every time I put them to bed.  I tried singing, rocking, everything I could think of so I just gave up and let them scream.  The last two days they are going down for both nap time and bed time with zero tears!!!!  This makes me so incredibly happy!!  I will tell a bit about Morgan now, she was the "problem" and why the last foster mom had to get rid of them.  She can be a grump, don't get me wrong.  It is almost hilarious and unfortunately I love to tease her when she is being so grumpy.  A lot of times it helps get her out of it which is good.  She gives a pretty awesome crusty but we are working on a "happy girl" face.  and she gets lots of praise for smiling and not so much for the grumpy face.  She has actually been a great little person.  We have had a few challenges with her.  Eating has been a huge one, when they both came they were eating a TON of food.  They were eating each servings the size that Dan was.  We were patient and let them eat how much they wanted, we are pretty sure they were on an almost vegan diet in the last home so we just let them eat.  Morgan started throwing up after she ate, but Aiden started to naturally just stop eating so much, he is back to normal sized portions.  We have had to really limit how much Morgan is eating and also really watch her.  She loves to pick things up off the floor or out of the trash can to eat.  She acts very sneaky when she does it too not like she is just hungry so she is going to eat it.  It is a hide, find and hide it in my hand until no one is watching and then I will eat it.  I am not sure what is going on with it but I try to not have her be in trouble for it but at the same time let her know that it is icky and lets put it in the trash.  She seems to get pretty overwhelmed when people come over, she clings to me a bit more.  In general though she is very thoughtful, she gives everyone their blankets if she sees it on the floor, she is a great sharer and very loving.  She loves my attention.  She loves Shane and Brock and they adore her too.  She is still warming up to Dan, she is very on and off with him.  One day he is her best friend the next she won't even let him say hi to her.  I have no idea what is going on but whatever.  Dan is always very patient with her and I am the one telling her to just knock it off, I think it is ridiculous but Dan insists on being patient so I just say whatever.  She will get there eventually.

Well my quiet time is over all the kiddos are up and need to get ready for school.  I had a pretty amazing experience at the temple on Saturday night that I wanted to put in here too.  We are going to change their names when we adopt them so for now on I will call them by those names on here.  Rachel and Russell.  We are still debating on middle names :)         

Twins!!!!!

I should have posted a long time ago, this is going to be LONG!!!  Right from the beginning Dan and I knew we were doing the right thing and always said that whatever we were called to take we would take.  Our faith was in the Lord.  On March 26th I got a call for 19 month twin girls.  I was excited but TERRIFIED!!!  Twins have always scared me, I have admired those that I know who have done it.  I on the other hand never considered myself inside that group, put myself out of it to be pretty concise.  Despite the huge pit in my stomach I said yes.  Dan was out of town in Canada and I called and called trying to get a hold of him but couldn't.  I was going crazy wanting to talk to him!!  The CPS worker calls to confirm that I had said yes to 19 month old twin girls.  I again said yes.  He gave me a bit more info on the kids but ultimately I knew just about nothing.  Dan finally calls me back and I tell him about the twins, he goes quiet and said he has always felt like we were going to get twins and that we would receive a certain amount of money each month.  He was correct on both accounts, it was crazy.  We both felt joy and excitement over this at this point.  The case worker of the twins calls me and starts telling me about Morgan and Aiden, I stop her and say I thought it was two girls, she said, "I noticed that the paper work said that I am not sure why."  It is a boy/girl group that is 21 months old not 19 months.  Not that all of this makes that much difference but it just gives you an idea of what kind of info you actually get from these people.  Morgan and Aiden were born on July 17th with a significant amount of opiates in their little systems.  They had a morphine drip for 41 days to help with withdrawals.  They were taken away from mom immediately, dad had no interest in them at all.  They were placed into a foster home and soon after said they couldn't handle it and were placed in another.  They were in that home up until they came to us.  I do not think it was a fantastic home for them but I just don't know anything for sure so I am trying very hard to keep my judgements to myself and give the benefit of the doubt.  I call and talk to the foster mom and she says she will come drop them off on Wednesday at 9:00 a.m..  The case worker tells me about the case a bit, basically there is no family and they will soon be eligible for adoption.  That night as everything starts really setting in and I start panicking.  I know that this isn't just a placement but could be a permanent part of our family.  It is a huge decision.  I texted my SIL for a bit and she really helped calm me down.  I decided to fast about it.  That night I did not sleep, not even a little bit and I got a strong confirmation that this was what we are supposed to do.  I started trying to get ready for them and had more anxiety that I can even explain.  I talked to the boys a ton about all of this and they were excited which was a huge relief. 
On Wednesday morning I came home after dropping of the boys to school, finished cleaning up a bit and felt so much anxiety I wanted to vomit.  What if these kids don't fit in?  What if I don't love them????  What if this is a huge disaster and I am an idiot for even trying this?????????  What if, what if, what if?????  The doorbell finally rings.  I open the door and the most beautiful little people run in.  I sit right in front of the door almost because all I want to do is touch them.  I start bawling, these two little souls have already made a huge impression on my heart.  At that moment I know without a doubt I made the right decision.  They are of course little 21 month olds and want to look around and not be smothered by some odd stranger.  Morgan was said to be very distant and didn't like people but she instantly warmed up to me.  The foster mom was very surprised.  We talked about them, what they like and don't like, who they are etc.  After about a half an hour she brought in all their stuff and left them.  I kind of had to laugh because I now had three toddlers that are only 8 months apart.  What am I doing????  The morning was pretty chaotic, but they all went down for naps ok.  We went to the airport to pick up Dan that night and he got to meet them for the first time.  They were both pretty reserved to him but especially Morgan.  The next few weeks were straight chaos.  I was in tears a few times out of sheer frustration.  Aiden got into everything he wasn't supposed to, the same things over and over again.  I couldn't do anything, not clean or cook or even use the restroom because he was into something or doing something.  My every last nerve was used up.  Going places was a huge ordeal, I changed 17 diapers the first day.  I was on my knees almost all day, begging for help, begging to let me know if this is REALLY what I was supposed to do.  I got confirmation from the Lord on almost a daily basis but I still needed to ask on a daily basis.  Our lives have turned into this chaotic mess.  The second week Dan left out of town for the whole week and we all caught the flu.  It was a disaster.  We survived but the whole week was a disaster that I am so grateful to have behind me.  The best gift to me was my calling in church, I am the secretary in R.S., I know this sounds very lame but the weight of my own decision was weighing so heavily on me that being able to go out with some of the most amazing women and serving the women in my ward and seeing and hearing all of what they were going through made what I was going through seem like nothing.  It gave me strength and so much courage.  It has been such a huge blessing to me to be apart of.  I know I am skipping so much but it has now been a full month.  I am loving these little people so much, they are really starting to fit into our family and having a family of 5 kids is starting to be routine.  My house is now cleaner more often than a disaster which is a huge improvement and I am not so paranoid constantly about Aiden, he is following the rules a lot better.  Morgan is a sweet loving grumpy little thing.  She is a girlie girl that loves to have her hair done, loves shoes and bracelets.  She is my little helper and always wants loves.  She loves to read books too.  Aiden is a very fun loving ACTIVE boy!  He is finally starting to really warm up to me and I love it.  He is letting me play with him a lot more and give loves.  The other boys are adjusting very well.  I have been amazed.  Blake has a hard time being nice but is doing so well.  Their severance hearing is May 17th which my amazing SIL pointed out to me yesterday that the day is my FIL birthday.  I am getting distracted and writing is getting hard, too many kids LOL.  I will try to post again soon :)