Psychologist

We are going to go meet with a psychologist on February 12th, how sad am I that I am crazy excited about it???  I was asked to give a detailed list of their behaviors, stories or anything that might help.  I know I haven't posted in a long time but I have been really overwhelmed.  I meant this to be inspiring, but it is more of an outlet anymore.  I know I complain a lot about them, but I do love them dearly, I know my Heavenly Father sent them to me, I am growing and becoming a better person for what I am going threw with them.  I still believe that the twins have something deeper wrong with them, something I cannot heal by just hugs and kisses.  I am desperately hoping that the Psychologist will find what it is!  I am praying like crazy for it.  I am going to post my forever long list.  This is how things are at my house.  I am a frazzled mess most days, but so much want to be a calm collected human being.  Let's come back to that when they are 5, a girl can hope, right??

Russell:

I will tell about our last few days, January 21^st is the date today.  On Saturday night we had a babysitter, the same one we always use and he likes her quite a bit.  When we got home, I came in and took him potty and gave him a hug and a kiss and tucked him back into bed.  The next morning he woke up really pretty happy and went downstairs to eat breakfast as normal.  He came upstairs to get ready to attend church; everyone was dressed and was waiting to get his hair combed.  This is when he started getting upset.  He loves getting his hair combed and usually asks for it every morning, today as I followed our usual routine he kept ducking his head and wouldn’t let me comb his hair.  I bent down and felt his head, maybe he hit it the night before and I didn’t know about it, he didn’t seem bothered by any of my touches so I lightly combed his hair just in case I was hurting him, I said all done and he fell to the floor crying.  I asked what was the matter and he flung himself back onto the floor still screaming.  I had to hurry and finish getting ready and everyone else too so I just ignored him and let him throw his fit.  We headed out to church, he had calmed down by now and was feeling better, we sat in our pew and he was sitting near the end with his brother and asked to sit with Daddy.  I pick him up and lift him over so he can sit on Daddy’s lap.  He starts throwing a fit.  This one I have no idea why, maybe he wanted to walk over but there just wasn’t room for him to walk.  Dan (my husband) gets him settled down by firmly telling him to stop.  After a few minutes he seems fine and is happily playing with some cars on Dan’s lap.  He goes through most of the meeting happy.  Near the end he gets off Dan’s lap and wants to go back over to Shane, Shane is asleep so I quietly tell him no that Shane is asleep.  He says oh, asleep, then puts his finger to his lips and says SSHHH.  He is playing right next to me and keeps trying to slyly do anything he can to push his way over to Shane until I finally grab him arm firmly and tell him NO!  He falls to the floor crying and Dan takes him out into the hallway for time out.  He comes back in pouting and with a very mean, angry look on his face.  He holds this throughout the remainder of the meeting.  After the first meeting we take them into a nursery.  We ask them both if they need to go potty and both said no.  We take them in and the nursery leaders come and get Dan very soon after because he has peed his pants.  He also had eaten crackers for a snack and had made a ridiculous mess of them.  They were caked all over his hands, all over his hair, and clothes; he got it all over the table and into another girl’s hair also.  So Dan had him sit with him in a chair until church was over.  We came home and he got a shower, which he absolutely hates, to get cleaned up from his accident and I left him in the tub for a minute to go get his clothes and while I am gone he poops in the tub and puts the poop up on the ledge.  I am furious with him at this point and so we go over and over again where we go potty and put him on it for a while which he doesn’t do anything.  I get him dressed and put him directly down for a nap.  He has a pretty decent nap but very quickly turns mean and angry after waking up.  I end up holding him most of the night or have him just sit next to me.  Every time we think he is ready to go and play he is mean to someone, steals a toy or hits.  When we say something to him he just falls to the floor crying.  That is when I usually put him in time out until he can control himself and then I hold him until he can quit being so angry.  This can take anywhere for 10 minutes to an hour, sometimes it is all day where he ends up sitting right next to me because I can’t trust him to go and play and be nice.  This pattern was our whole evening until bedtime.  He went to bed fine, and woke up with wet pants, so he got another shower to get cleaned up first thing this morning and then we went down for breakfast which he refused to eat properly, he was making a huge mess of it, smearing it all over his clothes and wouldn’t chew his food properly and kept trying to swallow it whole.  He lost his chance to eat after 3 warnings; he ate about ¾ of his breakfast.  So far our morning has consisted of the same pattern as last night.  He is insistent on being mean and angry. 

This is sort of normal of our daily lives; we have better and worse days.  He is very angry most of the time, he draws towards making bad choices and loses control over his feeling constantly.  He does not like to be told no or be redirected in any way.  He sometimes acts like his brain and shut off and that all that is left is anger, that is when he gets to spend his days sitting next to me, his brain has turned off and it seems like he is incapable of doing anything other than breaking the rules, being mean or breaking something.  He has just recently learned that potty is a way to misbehave also, he went a long time with just feeling proud of himself for his accomplishment.  I was bummed when that happened.  

Behaviors I am concerned about:  

  Fits over anything and everything, no direction at all can go without a fit.

Frequently reverting on potty training, does perfect for long periods of time

Anger daily

Hurting himself and others, cat included

Strong desire to constantly break the rules, main focus of his days

Will not take direction, takes everything as an attack, even if it is simple

Lying, yes at 2, will bite himself and blame it on someone else things like this, Rachel does the same thing

Sneaking behind my back to get what he wants

Unwilling to learn anything from us, how to do a puzzle or drink out of a cup without a battle or being angry at us

Will not play with toys that interest him, always taking others toys or pushing his way into everyone else’s games (usually forcefully)

Trying to be in control, constantly

Tells me what to do, all the time (put on shoes, put on Russell pants, put pillow in bed, get water etc.) refuses to say please, if I ask him to ask me nicely he will get angry.  When he is in a good mood he still likes to name the objects but the command isn’t part of it.  Just pants, Russell shoes etc.

He sometimes seems to be blinded by his anger, like he can’t see past it and then starts making really bad choices and almost gets what I would label as stupid.  It is just in these moments, like his brain is shutting down.

Constant, constant talking and repetition (mama home, mama home, mama, home, mama home) after each one I will affirm, yes we are going home, he will keep going until I actually tell him to stop it.

Excessive eating and stealing food

Whenever we have a sitter, he reverts to behaviors that he did when he first got to our house but will not do with us

Makes most of his bad choices when he knows I am not looking, seems premeditated.

Breaking toys, Ones that are not easily broken

Gets satisfaction out of playing with toys that are a favorite of other siblings and will not relent, especially when the other sibling in sad about it.  It is almost a favorite pass time.  They will lose interest quickly if no one is upset that they are playing with the toy.

*What just happened with Russell is a very good example of the struggles we have with him consistently.  It is dinner time, we have been working on eating with our mouth closed.  He did great with it for about two weeks, now he has turned it into a battle.  We give little reminders to please eat with your mouth closed, they are made lightly and kind, we know they are only two and don’t expect much, but at least an effort.  About a week ago he decided that it was going to be some sort of a battle, he wasn’t going to comply anymore.  So at first he would turn his head down as far as he could and turn it away from me so that he could eat with his mouth open but I wouldn’t see.  I would still ask him kindly to eat with his mouth closed, you can hear it a mile away.  So after he realized that wasn’t working so he decided to put his lips together and do a pretend chew, not actually chewing his food at all and then swallowing it whole.  That I couldn’t let happen, he was going to choke and I just don’t think his digestive system was going to take that nicely.  So I would stop him and set him in time out until he was ready to eat like a big boy.  After 3 time outs he would lose his chance to eat.  He then got to a few days where he was doing great again, we would give our reminders, he would be proud that he was doing it right and we would praise him a lot for doing such a great job.  Yesterday he decided to not comply again, so tonight it started off with a frozen gogurt, I gave him a reminder and he proceeded to scream very loud and threw his food.  I took it away and set him in his bed.  We had chicken nuggets for dinner and he pulled the, I will pretend to chew but not really chew, so he got another time out.  After his second time out I gave him a firm warning that he was about to lose his chance to eat and he pees in his pants.  So I put him back up to the table because he still gets his last chance to eat before he gets his clean up shower and he promptly makes the choice to just refuse to eat, so I say ok, let’s go take your shower since you peed in your pants.  He screams and screams bloody murder during his shower so I let him sit for a few minutes to calm down.  I come back to see if he is ready to finish getting washed and he throws a bar of soap at he that he picked up from the shower.  I tell him he has now lost his blanket tonight since he chose to be mean to Mom and he has to say sorry.  I put him in his jammas and he goes to bed without his blanket and he lays down just fine, seems to be ok with life now.    These types of battles are what have us mainly concerned, the nicer we are the worse he gets, we have to be strict with him, always.  I am getting worn down by these constant battles, they consume a ridiculous amount of my time. 

Rachel:

When she came she was very sweet and friendly.  She was a very aggressive child but quickly learned that it wasn’t ok and after a few months stopped.  She really disliked my husband at first and would scream and scream for him if he had to do anything for her, especially putting her to bed.  She gradually got used to him and then quickly became her favorite.  Most of her behaviors really surfaced after she had been with us for a bit, about 6months.  She started panicking.  She has always been very stubborn but this surpassed any stubbornness.  There were small spurts of it before this one particular occasion but were easily overcome.  The first time it got really bad was when Dan went out of town.  He was gone for about a week, Monday thru Friday, which is a bit common; he travels usually one to two times per month.  The twins have always been worse whenever he left but she took it to a whole new level.  Monday started out not too bad, but she had started being a bit mean to me, not letting me touch her or help her in anyway, refusing to do everyday common things etc.. Tuesday she shut down, She started peeing her pants, when I would talk to her, her eyes would dilate huge and she would stare blankly at me, draw her arms up to her chest and shake.  She started just pacing around the house and almost seemed lost and refused most of my love and affection.  She was also failing to do simple everyday tasks.  I had to force her arms and legs into her clothes because she would put them in so awkward they would get stuck, I couldn’t put her in a grocery cart because she would hold her legs in the weirdest positions possible, I ended up just feeding her because she was making such a huge disaster with all of her food.  All this extra help just made her more and more angry at me and she would draw further away from me.  She would start looking at me with terror in her eyes.  Dan came back and she at first refused to even look at him or even go near him but he would not allow that, he picked her up and made her love him despite her screaming protests.  After about an hour she finally came around and was sweet and loving to him.  The next day she was fine, just like she was before, except she was angry with me and only wanted Dan.  These events have happened more and more frequently with her, the durations vary and are not only triggered when Dan goes out of town, sometimes they just happen.  During Christmas we went to a home that had a teenage girl that loved Rachel and Rachel loved her.  Gradually throughout the night Rachel started pushing me away and being mean, refusing to let me do anything for her, if I smiled at her she would glare at me, things like that.  The time to leave came and she clung to my sister in law and screamed and screamed.  I put her in her car seat through all the screaming but soon settled down and seemed ok.  We got them to bed and I talked to her a lot about how fun it was to have a new friend to play with and love.  That night she woke up crying.  I went in to see if she was ok and she screamed at me and hit me in the face.  I picked her up and took her out of the room and held her while she tried to get out of my arms and screamed at me.  I asked her a few times if she needed to go potty and she said no so I brought her in bed with me to see if that would help calm her down.  She laid awake stiff as a board for most of it, Dan tried for a bit too but she was the same for him.  I got fed up and put her on the potty anyway and she immediately went a lot.  I think this was all about having to go potty but when she is in these moods she will not tell us she has to go potty.  We set up the portable crib and very much to her dismay we had her sleep in there for the night so she was close to us and didn’t wake up the other boys.  These are just a few instances of her behaviors when they are bad.  She doesn’t have a middle ground.  She is either an angel or stinker.  I feel like this week has been the first time on about three months that she is really starting to be sweet and loving with me again.  After that first episode she has really withdrawn from me and I feel like we are finally starting to move past that.

Behaviors I am Concerned with:

What I so loving call “shutting down”, eyes dilated, shaking, brain seems to turn off, panicked look or almost just blank; worse in public or around other men

CONSTANT reverting on potty training but will not go back to diapers (she will hold her poop until she is in agony over it).  A common one for a while was when we would be in a public place and I would feed her a bite of a sandwich or hamburger instead of letting her do it herself, usually because there was nowhere for her to sit and I knew she would just make a huge mess if I let her do it herself, her brothers got fed the same way but she would pee her pants, to me it seemed like a protest or a way to let me know she was mad about it.  She was perfect for the first three months and has reverted about once a month for the last 6 months.

What seems like very unhealthy attachments to other women (this has happened quite a few times, I gave one example above)

Excessive eating, I can tell she will not like the food but will clean her plate anyways, will eat until she throws up, picks food out of the trash or off the floor to eat.  Will shove huge amounts of food in her mouth at one time.

Gets satisfaction out of playing with toys that are a favorite of other siblings and will not relent, especially when the other sibling in sad about it.  It is almost a favorite pass time.  They will lose interest quickly if no one is upset that they are playing with the toy.

Terror over any instruction or guidance, please eat with your mouth closed, is met with huge scared eyes and she will be on the brink of panic over it.  Helping her with a puzzle gets her shaking and terrified.  She has been wanting to learn how to get undressed and dressed by herself and she does it in a frantic panicky way but will absolutely loose it if I try to help out in anyway.

Refuses to say please over certain things, my favorite is how much she wants a drink of water but instead of saying please water she would tell me about the cup, then where to take it and how to fill it up with water.  I got a full instructional tutorial from her but never once a please.  When I ask her, how do we ask nicely, her eyes get large with that panicky look and she will say, water please.  I praise her and get her water but it will still happen this way over and over.     

  

Long Day

Long Day, is all I have to say about today.  I have been sick the last few days and today was miserable.  I of course had a thousand things to do and a million things I forgot to do that I had to hurry and fit in to today along with it all.  Dan was in Utah all day yesterday and that put both of our littles in a funk.  They were ornery and demanding and Russell was captain fits.  Today started out a lot better and we did a lot of shopping and for the most part they were pretty good, they were normal 2 year old good LOL.  Rachel is really starting to develop into this beautiful sweet little girl.  I am enjoying her more and more everyday.  I cannot wait for Russ to hit that point. We had a Christmas concert thing for Blake tonight which with how icky I was feeling Dan kept telling me to not go but I wanted him to have the experience so I went.  Huge mistake on my part.  We should have just stayed home.  Russ threw a fit the whole way in, over what you may ask???  Only heaven knows because nothing I did made it any better until I lost my temper and just picked him up with his arms pinned down  so he couldn't hit or scratch me and after a few minutes of that he calmed down into a comfortable scowl.  He calmed down for the concert which Blake just sat and stared during, he barely even moved a muscle then had to go potty and missed the last three songs, then we left and he threw a fit all the way home.  I was thinking about it though and he has actually gotten a lot better about so many things.  He is no longer destructive, he hasn't hit or bit in forever either.  He is just full of fits over EVERYTHING.  I am not exaggerating either.  Holding my hand, not holding my hand etc. over anything.  Hahaha, I almost forgot to tell the most hilarious part of tonight.  An incredibly sweet and amazing woman from our ward came over tonight to bring us a treat and she was looking at some pictures next to our kitchen table and Russ starts sliding a chair into her.  If looks could kill too, he did not want her there apparently.  I gave him a stern look and he turned that "loving" look to me and fell to the floor pouting.  If it wasn't so pathetic it would have been funny.  Someday when this kid grows up it will be the highlight of my life to tell all his stories to his girlfriends.  Yesterday was a day so full of blessings for my family and I that I don't even want to write about what a stink Russ was.  We did have a family home evening where we watched the movie of Christ's birth and everyone was so reverent for it and the spirit was strong.  I relish those moments.  Ultimately it is almost Christmas and everyone is excited and no one wants to do what they are supposed to and I feel irritated.  It is impossible to get anything done I swear!  I am so crazy excited about what I got all the kids for Christmas especially Russell.  I have looked long and hard and am so so excited to what he thinks of his new things.  Rachel was a whole different story.  I could have bought her everything in sight!!  I settled on just a few things but it was killing me!!  I would end up with my cart full of girl things then had to weed out to the 5 gifts we agreed upon.  But dishes HAVE to go with a kitchen, right??  So that is one gift, and a new baby has to go with her new baby bed too right??  So maybe a fudged a little bit with her but in all fairness we have a billion boy toys and hardly any girl stuff, we need to catch up :P  I also noticed today how little people say things to me anymore.  It used to be everywhere we went we had some say something.  I don't get that anymore which is a huge relief and I was trying to put my finger on what changed and I really think it is because we are now so comfortable together, we don't stand out because it is not a huge ordeal for me to go out, I am used to it and so are they.  It is a nice break.  I felt a bit like a freak show and having people constantly point it out to me just reaffirmed it.  I like blending into the background and we are there again.  My highest concerns lately are for Blake.  His teacher think maybe Aspbergers, I don't know how to spell it, sorry.  He can be so impossible and frustrating but I sure love his cute little blonde head!  Once we adopt the twins I will start posting pictures.     

Three Days

I knew I couldn't update everyday.  Today is Sunday so just a few days later though so no too bad.  The other day after I had spent most of my morning on the computer they both started really acting out so I just sent them off to bed, an hour early too.  I put them down at 11:30 and went in to wake them up at 3:30, it brakes my heart because they had caught the cold Shane and Brock had earlier.  Instead of coming up and wanting love or to be held and adored while they are sick they turn mean and naughty.  On Thursday we had CPS come over.  Things for the adoption are rolling, at snail pace but rolling lol.  We talked to her a lot about the twins' behavior and we talked a bit about the possibility of them being sexually abused.  Dan and I are confident they were because of the experiences we had when they first came to our home but there was no proof or evidence just inspiration from the Lord.  I know that may sound cheesy to most but we both had separate but profound experiences.  We were each hesitant to talk to the other about it too which is funny because neither of us knew what to do with what we experienced.  Let me just put out there that we did not say anything at first because we didn't know, we were scared and quite frankly didn't trust ourselves.  What if we accused a good family that was doing a great work for all these children that came into their home?  I would be horrified if someone did that to us.  So back to Thursday, she said with the huge improvements they have been making the chances are if they were abused that way that they will not have any side effects from it.  She remarked on how far these two have come along in our house and a few other things.  All I can say was that it was hugely relieving.  Being in the daily grind of things it is so hard to see the difference but through others eyes they can give us that perspective and I need it.  Friday came and Russ got in trouble for being destructive to our train and as I was talking to him he was angry and then he peed on me.  Rachel used to do this and it makes me so furious!!  I picked him up and ran him to the bathroom and yelled for Dan, I did not trust myself to not just scream in his face and loose my temper.  Have I mentioned how awesome it is that Dan works from home??  I love it!  Dan and I started talking about our roles as parents and we have decided to try something new with the kiddos.  We are going to try to structure out discipline more like his parents did.  We have always played equals, We both dished it out, so to speak hahaha.  I have been at my limit with these two plus with Blake and his issues, I am very overwhelmed and I have always hated having to be a disciplinarian so I get to put it all on Dan now.  We are going to try out the good cop bad cop.  So far it has been great.  Russ and Rach have actually responded to it better and my other boys have too.  It is awesome, I put down guidelines obviously but I get to be the kind loving mom and Dan gets to be the bad guy.  I hope it works.  It feels like a vacation for me LOL.  Last night we went over to my Dad's house and we through my sister a surprise party for her graduation.  There was a lot of people there they did not recognize but after about and hour or so they warmed up really well.  They played and especially awesome was how great Rach was with my BIL, he is so awesome with kids and he won her over, that never happens with her!  We felt like it was a huge step!  Russ woke up in very dark mood like he usually does after we have done something fun and that he enjoyed, but we just kept him close to us and now he is napping.

I am ready a book about this amazing women and her journey through mothering.  I a lot of times feel a bit lost, I know who I want to be but since my own mother was never an example I sometimes just don't know where to start or go with it.  Like if I love them too much they will turn into these horrific monster but if I am stern with them they will be angels.  I know I need to change how I think and try everyday.  This book is giving me a road map kind of for the parent I really want to be.  She is so sweet and kind and loving.  Yes I know it is just a book but it is the mother I so desperately wish to be.   I can find more joy in motherhood, and ditch some of the work.  I am not the cute Martha Stewart mother with cute crafty things and I never will be.  When I picked out their Christmas gifts this year I tried to imagine how I could play with them and their new toys.  These little ones of mine have so much to learn and I know I can teach them if I put the time into them.  Poor Shane and Brock got the shaft but they are amazing kids and I am crazy proud of them.  They are turning out amazing despite me lol.  I have my Savior close by me, leading me and guiding me, together I know I can do this.  These twins have been such a gift and a blessing to me, along with the greatest trial I have ever faced.  My R.S. Pres always says at our meetings, "isn't it great to see how amazing people become through their trials" I laugh because it is so true.  I have gone through agonizing emotional pain, but how deeply I am grateful for it and all they have done for me.  These children were meant to be ours and I hate when people tell me how blessed they are to have me because it is such a two way street.  We are truly best to have each other.

Trial and Error

I wrote this post about two months ago and was afraid to publish it for some reason, so I am doing it now.  This is my life and I hope others will be inspired to take in Foster kids but also do it with the reality of what you face.  It is a lot harder then I could have ever imagined but how deeply I am grateful for it!!


I know I haven't posted in an extremely long time, for this I apologize.  The reason you ask??  Well besides having three two year olds and just not having the time, we have been struggling with these two little people in some pretty insane ways.  They have been described by professionals as having "sever attachment issues".  I will list here the signs and symptoms of what to expect with children like this so you can all get a feel for it. 

• An aversion to touch and physical affection. Children with reactive attachment disorder often flinch, laugh, or even say “Ouch” when touched. Rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection are perceived as a threat.
• Control issues. Most children with reactive attachment disorder go to great lengths to remain in control and avoid feeling helpless. They are often disobedient, defiant, and argumentative.
• Anger problems. Anger may be expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior. Children with reactive attachment disorder may hide their anger in socially acceptable actions, like giving a high five that hurts or hugging someone too hard.
• Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.
• An underdeveloped conscience. Children with reactive attachment disorder may act like they don’t have a conscience and fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly.

These are the signs and symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder, they both have these things listed but they have hope of a good recovery and that is why they do not have the diagnosis.  They both have the aversion to touch and physical affection, but we are breaking down their walls.  Russell has A LOT of the control issues that whole list describes our daily lives with him LOL, they both have the symptoms listed in the anger problems section.  Rachel is the passive-aggressive manipulative, and Russell is the other items listed.  They both have difficulty showing genuine care and affection, Rachel does a lot of the inappropriate affection with strangers and then she will shun me and Dan but cling on to the other person and Russell will hug you to get what he wants, he is using it to get his needs met.  Russell struggles the most with the underdeveloped conscience.

To say the least our struggles are intense and a lot to handle.  I have had some of the lowest days I have ever had with these two beautiful souls we have been blessed with.  There have been so many tears shed, prayers offered in pleading and the thoughts of I am absolutely done!!  I cannot do this and am a fool for even trying!  This is why I have not posted.  Few people know the actual true struggles that we have faced.  I don't even know how to put into words the darkness and hopelessness that we have felt.  The frustration and anger.

I am a changed person.  These kids have grown leaps and bounds since they have come here and so have I.  I have an all new respect for people who do this more then once because after we adopt these two I will never do this again!!  I know not every situation is as hard as ours but I also know that there is a lot worse out there too.

So this is what we are dealing with.  Yesterday (after 3 months of waiting) the behavioral therapist came over and spent (no joke) 5 hours with us.  It was a good but very heavy experience.  She will start coming every other week to help us out.  She got to see a lot of what we had talked about and told us what a long road we had ahead of us.  She helped us look back and see how far we had come with them and how to celebrate the little accomplishments.  She told us most of what we already knew and helped shine light on some things we didn't know but most of all she observed.  It is quite weird having a shadow just watching you but I tried as hard as I could to do things as I normally would.  This is how we get help right LOL?  So I yelled where I would normally yell and things like that.  She explained a lot about Russ for me, he has moments that are pretty intense, he has ripped off doorknobs, broke holes in doors and ripped apart hard cast iron toys.  It genuinely has scared me at times.  She said that he is so heightened with his senses and need for survival that he he will get that chemical through his body just like when a mother lifts a car to save her child, it is stronger then adrenaline she said, it is a higher level.  So my job is to try and get him away from those heightened levels,  You do this by being consistent in your love and discipline, by keeping him close to me physically and emotionally, to touch him a lot and always let him know no matter what I am doing I am always there for him (and her too but these sessions are mainly for him)  It is a very slow going process that takes a lot.  We talked about Rachel too, she has some real deep concerns about her also which I share but it is easier to ignore hers since hers are quieter and not so in your face like Russell's are.  She warned me about how dangerous it can be to over look the quiet ones.  We talked a lot about their past, I have suspected maltreatment for a long time, kiddos coming from another foster home (one they have been in almost their whole lives) should not have these issues but cannot get anything from anyone.  Everyone tells me to ignore and not to worry about it.  It infuriates me because I am looking for answers on what these two have been through so I know where to go from here, and the possibility that I am being crazy and drawing assumptions where there should not be any drawn.  When the Therapist was here we were talking and she looked at me after I said for the thousandth time that I wish I knew exactly what happened to them and she says, come one, you are their mother now, you know what happened.  Trust your instincts because you know that they were maltreated.  I wanted to scream and cry and hug her.  Someone FINALLY acknowledging what I am saying and giving me something!!!

Right now Russell has been in time-out three times for taking toys out of other people's hands, is refusing to be redirected in anyway and will not play with any other toys at all.  Rachel has started refusing to poop about three days ago, so I just put in her second depository, her farts are the absolute worst but she has got those bum cheeks sealed.  I have no idea what has changed or why but we are on the poop stand off LOL, I know reading this you think it is probably normal, maybe she is just afraid to poop but it really isn't that simple.  There is something going on and I can't figure it out.  I am starting to lose my patients with her and I hate that.  I have bribed and begged and am about to just put my finger up there and dig it out, and this is a really good morning!!  

Daily Grind

I have not posted in 6 and a half months, why?  Things have been so much harder then I ever imagined they could be.  The things we have gone through and dealt with have been emotionally torturous.  Physically I am drained but emotionally I feel exhausted to the point of tears at almost any moment.  For my own benefit and sanity I am going to try to start writing everyday about our lives.  It will be about all of our lives and not just the Foster kiddos because they are apart of us now.  We are all one in the same.  I am sure along the way I can fill in the gaps of the last 6 months but for now I am looking upward and outward.  I have no interest in filling in the past but am ready to leave it just there, in the past. 

Today so far has been a mediocre day.  Russell woke up dry this morning and I was so excited, made a very big deal about it and he got a treat.  As we were walking down the stairs I held his hand but he kept jumping down three stairs at a time, it was making it hard to keep my balance so I told him if he wanted to hold my hand he had to stop jumping or I was going to fall.  He didn't stop so I let go of his hand.  He sat still on the stairs and refused to come down because of it.  I had to help the other kids get ready for school so I just ignored him.  Dan came down and picked him up and loved him.  Rachel woke up happy and bright this morning.  We got her dressed and all was well with her :)  We gathered together for scriptures and prayers which went well until Blake got chosen to say the prayer.  Russ kept talking over the top of Blake and after two kind reminders for him to please be quiet I put my hand softly over his moth to give him a physical reminder to be respectful.  He falls to the floor in a pout.  I pick him up after the prayer and and talk to him which just results in him glaring at me and outing.  I hug him and tell him I love him but that we need to be quiet when it is not our turn, and that we will do the same when it is his turn etc.  So immediately he grabs his sippy cup off the floor and hits me in the leg with it and says water.  We are working very hard on being kind and asking for things kindly so I in a very exaggerated "kind" voice say to him how sorry I am that he couldn't ask kind and chose to hit me so let's try it again when we are ready to be nice.  I asked him to go get in the car which he did.  When I got into the car to buckle him in he is mad and glaring at me obviously mad that his request for water was not granted.  I give him his snack and he cheers up momentarily.   Everyone else gets in the car pretty well and happy.  On our drive to school and back Rachel starts whining in er ever so lovely high pitch whiny voice that is impossible to distinguish what in the world she is saying, Mama, mama, mama, mama over and over.  I look back at her and say yeah?  She proceeds to stare at me with a panicked look.  I tell her she needs to use her big girl words if she needs something.  She keeps staring at me.  I look away and she starts whimpering.  By this time I am already starting to struggle to find my never ending pot of patience and endurance so I turn and in a firm voice say I cannot help you if you do not use your words.  Use your words please.  She says something so quiet no human alive could hear it, so I say to her to please say it louder so I can hear her.  She stares at me and says something in gibberish that is louder, barely.  So I start guessing, which after about 20 guesses I get it right.  She wants me to put the hat on her baby.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHH I want to scream but I take baby and put her hat on.  About two minutes later she pushes her baby on the floor.  I wanted to scream yet again but whatever.  Then she starts whining again, JJJUUUUIIIICCCCCEEEE!!!!!!!   This one she gets real loud.  I turn to her and say when we get home if you can ask me kind I would love to get you something to drink.  She spends the rest of the trip along with her brother glaring at me.  I sometimes wonder if they are plotting my death LOL.  We get home and Blake gets in trouble to whining and yelling cereal at me, I expect more out of him!  The kiddos get fed and are pretty good.  Little Miss has hit me 4 times with her sippy cup in attempts for me to get her something but refuses to ask nicely (which I need to interject we have been working on for 5 months and they were doing it every time until about two weeks ago) Russ has kicked the cat, thrown two fits over getting in trouble for stealing toys out of other peoples hands and as I am writing this just kicked the cat.  Little Miss asked for a hug and so I held her for about 5 minutes which was a nice and sweetlittle break from the madness that is my life.

I feel like I am somehow seen as the enemy and it is depressing.  Your mom should be the soft place you fall when you are sad or feel down and they spend so much time fighting me.  It is 10 minutes to 10 and let's hope for a better and brighter day.  There just isn't enough of me to go around, So much of the time I have to be the bad guy then Dan gets to come in and be the good guy.  I am tired of being the bad guy.  It is my role though and I asked for it and just need to learn how to find the joy and love it. 

I have struggled with what to do with this blog.  Those outside of the Foster Care world cannot truly understand what it is like and at first I wanted you to all know what it is really like, but now that I know this task is next to impossible, I think this blog is meant for me to help sort out these behaviors.  To see the progress and maybe be able to understand it better.  I am getting so tired to the constant discipline.  I have tried to ease off but they get SO SO much worse.  It is almost as if for them to feel in control they need to see that we are in control and they push those limits constantly.  I love them dearly.  I wanted to love them just like my own but it is different, but bad just different.  I have been through so much with them that when things are good with them and they come to you for a hug or want to kiss you, it is the most sweet and precious thing in the world.  I adore the children they are becoming.  Rachel is this incredibly beautiful and very feminine little girl.  We swaddle her baby and she sleep with it every night.  The way she eats is even feminine.  She loves any and all pretty things, loves her toe nail painted, things in her hair and I thing she might get some jewelery for Christmas.  She wants to be right by me all the time and I LOVE it.  Everything I am doing she is always right there.  I run her over constantly because she is literally right behind me but I adore it.  She is so fascinated about laundry and cooking and sweeping.  She is going to be amazing someday I can just feel it.  Russell is crazy intelligent.  He gets bored very fast and gets naughty very quick.  He is very guarded with his feelings and emotions and pushes me away quite frequently but gets so jealous when I love someone else.  He is not nearly as destructive as he was and not nearly as sneaky.  He does like to steal, but it is mainly food.  We still have some huge food issues.  He is also very manipulative with his affection so when you get a genuine love from him it is precious.  If I can help him heal he has huge potential.  I have heard very mixed reviews, some say time will heal him but others say this is just who he is. Only time will tell.  I am rambling, like usual and I need to get on with my day.  Until next time, which I hope will be tomorrow LOL!  We shall see.          

Stewing

I have been stewing all day yesterday about all the things I still want to write down.  I don't have time to write everything down so this is my next best option as a journal.  The twins were qualified for daycare and so I decided to take them up on it.  So last week we got everything all lined up and they started daycare.  I thought it would be this huge relief, but it really wasn't.  It was just one more thing to get ready, one more place to drop off and pick up and the kids were horrible after they got home.  They were so ornery, mean and naughty that I have decided it really isn't worth the extra 12 hours of freedom.  I have also come to the realization of one of the huge advantages you have with your own kids; knowing them, knowing how to set them up to succeed and not fail.  I know how this sounds, but everyone goes through challenges with all of their children with behavior but you know them, you know how to help them succeed.  You know that when they get overwhelmed you can do this one certain thing to help them calm down.  As I am getting to know the twins I am starting to connect the behaviors to how they are feeling.  Aiden is getting tired when he starts getting into things or sometimes he is just needing my love.  Morgan usually only really acts out when she is tired or frustrated.  She is general is a pretty good little girl, she is just grumpy LOL.  My biggest challenge is learning how to set these two up to succeed.  They won't sit and watch a show or sit and read books.  They want me to hold them which quite frankly a lot of the time isn't an option, it can be for a few minutes but I have 5 kids now, a house that needs taken care of and dinners that do not cook themselves.  The only thing that I have found just out of shear irritation is putting them at their seats at the table.  I try to give them things to color on or play with but they just throw them and end up hitting each other with them so they usually sit there with nothing.  I HATE  this and I really am trying for other solutions, this is the, I am about to kill you if you don't stop, destination.  I am open to ideas here too LOL.  They need to have a safe spot where they can relax and calm down a bit.  My other kids can do that with a t.v. show and for Brock it is working on some sort of a project.  This is my goal right now.  Aiden thinks very much outside of the box.  He wants to see how things work so he takes them apart, pens (my favorite, it is super fun getting the ink out of your carpet) door knobs, sippy cups, you name it he want to take it apart.  He doesn't do it out of anger, you can see him looking at it and then start trying to fiddle with it and when it doesn't easily do what he wants it to he starts putting some muscle behind it. He loves to take off clothing and shoes at very inappropriate times, but will not do it when it is time for bed, I think he does it when he is mad.  I is like his revenge on me, "you tell me no, I take off my pants, so take that"  He has been very resistant to any physical affection.  He pushes away and at first would even cry.  He still will cry when I try to tickle him sometimes.  He kind of acts panicked, like I am trying to attack him.  I have had to move slow with him but I can now sometimes play with him and he will let me.  He is letting me love him a lot more too which I love.  We had a real problem at first with him trying to be too independent.  If he wanted something like and apple, he would go to any lengths to go get himself and apple.  We have had to really teach him to rely on me for the things he wants and needs.  To come ask mom (in his limited little language) for an apple or a drink etc.  He was putting himself in danger and was making a HUGE HUGE mess of everything.  This one has been the hardest because it just comes with time.  As he starts trusting me to take of his needs he won't be trying to fill them himself.  I have got to get him to stop pooping so much too, have no idea how this is done, I am guessing diet which I am fiddling with but the kids is pooping 5-7 times a day!!!  It gets expensive having to change all those poops, it seems kind of crazy to me, I don't even think he is eating enough to poop as much as he is!!!!

A huge accomplishment for me is bedtime.  They would scream every time I put them to bed.  I tried singing, rocking, everything I could think of so I just gave up and let them scream.  The last two days they are going down for both nap time and bed time with zero tears!!!!  This makes me so incredibly happy!!  I will tell a bit about Morgan now, she was the "problem" and why the last foster mom had to get rid of them.  She can be a grump, don't get me wrong.  It is almost hilarious and unfortunately I love to tease her when she is being so grumpy.  A lot of times it helps get her out of it which is good.  She gives a pretty awesome crusty but we are working on a "happy girl" face.  and she gets lots of praise for smiling and not so much for the grumpy face.  She has actually been a great little person.  We have had a few challenges with her.  Eating has been a huge one, when they both came they were eating a TON of food.  They were eating each servings the size that Dan was.  We were patient and let them eat how much they wanted, we are pretty sure they were on an almost vegan diet in the last home so we just let them eat.  Morgan started throwing up after she ate, but Aiden started to naturally just stop eating so much, he is back to normal sized portions.  We have had to really limit how much Morgan is eating and also really watch her.  She loves to pick things up off the floor or out of the trash can to eat.  She acts very sneaky when she does it too not like she is just hungry so she is going to eat it.  It is a hide, find and hide it in my hand until no one is watching and then I will eat it.  I am not sure what is going on with it but I try to not have her be in trouble for it but at the same time let her know that it is icky and lets put it in the trash.  She seems to get pretty overwhelmed when people come over, she clings to me a bit more.  In general though she is very thoughtful, she gives everyone their blankets if she sees it on the floor, she is a great sharer and very loving.  She loves my attention.  She loves Shane and Brock and they adore her too.  She is still warming up to Dan, she is very on and off with him.  One day he is her best friend the next she won't even let him say hi to her.  I have no idea what is going on but whatever.  Dan is always very patient with her and I am the one telling her to just knock it off, I think it is ridiculous but Dan insists on being patient so I just say whatever.  She will get there eventually.

Well my quiet time is over all the kiddos are up and need to get ready for school.  I had a pretty amazing experience at the temple on Saturday night that I wanted to put in here too.  We are going to change their names when we adopt them so for now on I will call them by those names on here.  Rachel and Russell.  We are still debating on middle names :)         

Twins!!!!!

I should have posted a long time ago, this is going to be LONG!!!  Right from the beginning Dan and I knew we were doing the right thing and always said that whatever we were called to take we would take.  Our faith was in the Lord.  On March 26th I got a call for 19 month twin girls.  I was excited but TERRIFIED!!!  Twins have always scared me, I have admired those that I know who have done it.  I on the other hand never considered myself inside that group, put myself out of it to be pretty concise.  Despite the huge pit in my stomach I said yes.  Dan was out of town in Canada and I called and called trying to get a hold of him but couldn't.  I was going crazy wanting to talk to him!!  The CPS worker calls to confirm that I had said yes to 19 month old twin girls.  I again said yes.  He gave me a bit more info on the kids but ultimately I knew just about nothing.  Dan finally calls me back and I tell him about the twins, he goes quiet and said he has always felt like we were going to get twins and that we would receive a certain amount of money each month.  He was correct on both accounts, it was crazy.  We both felt joy and excitement over this at this point.  The case worker of the twins calls me and starts telling me about Morgan and Aiden, I stop her and say I thought it was two girls, she said, "I noticed that the paper work said that I am not sure why."  It is a boy/girl group that is 21 months old not 19 months.  Not that all of this makes that much difference but it just gives you an idea of what kind of info you actually get from these people.  Morgan and Aiden were born on July 17th with a significant amount of opiates in their little systems.  They had a morphine drip for 41 days to help with withdrawals.  They were taken away from mom immediately, dad had no interest in them at all.  They were placed into a foster home and soon after said they couldn't handle it and were placed in another.  They were in that home up until they came to us.  I do not think it was a fantastic home for them but I just don't know anything for sure so I am trying very hard to keep my judgements to myself and give the benefit of the doubt.  I call and talk to the foster mom and she says she will come drop them off on Wednesday at 9:00 a.m..  The case worker tells me about the case a bit, basically there is no family and they will soon be eligible for adoption.  That night as everything starts really setting in and I start panicking.  I know that this isn't just a placement but could be a permanent part of our family.  It is a huge decision.  I texted my SIL for a bit and she really helped calm me down.  I decided to fast about it.  That night I did not sleep, not even a little bit and I got a strong confirmation that this was what we are supposed to do.  I started trying to get ready for them and had more anxiety that I can even explain.  I talked to the boys a ton about all of this and they were excited which was a huge relief. 
On Wednesday morning I came home after dropping of the boys to school, finished cleaning up a bit and felt so much anxiety I wanted to vomit.  What if these kids don't fit in?  What if I don't love them????  What if this is a huge disaster and I am an idiot for even trying this?????????  What if, what if, what if?????  The doorbell finally rings.  I open the door and the most beautiful little people run in.  I sit right in front of the door almost because all I want to do is touch them.  I start bawling, these two little souls have already made a huge impression on my heart.  At that moment I know without a doubt I made the right decision.  They are of course little 21 month olds and want to look around and not be smothered by some odd stranger.  Morgan was said to be very distant and didn't like people but she instantly warmed up to me.  The foster mom was very surprised.  We talked about them, what they like and don't like, who they are etc.  After about a half an hour she brought in all their stuff and left them.  I kind of had to laugh because I now had three toddlers that are only 8 months apart.  What am I doing????  The morning was pretty chaotic, but they all went down for naps ok.  We went to the airport to pick up Dan that night and he got to meet them for the first time.  They were both pretty reserved to him but especially Morgan.  The next few weeks were straight chaos.  I was in tears a few times out of sheer frustration.  Aiden got into everything he wasn't supposed to, the same things over and over again.  I couldn't do anything, not clean or cook or even use the restroom because he was into something or doing something.  My every last nerve was used up.  Going places was a huge ordeal, I changed 17 diapers the first day.  I was on my knees almost all day, begging for help, begging to let me know if this is REALLY what I was supposed to do.  I got confirmation from the Lord on almost a daily basis but I still needed to ask on a daily basis.  Our lives have turned into this chaotic mess.  The second week Dan left out of town for the whole week and we all caught the flu.  It was a disaster.  We survived but the whole week was a disaster that I am so grateful to have behind me.  The best gift to me was my calling in church, I am the secretary in R.S., I know this sounds very lame but the weight of my own decision was weighing so heavily on me that being able to go out with some of the most amazing women and serving the women in my ward and seeing and hearing all of what they were going through made what I was going through seem like nothing.  It gave me strength and so much courage.  It has been such a huge blessing to me to be apart of.  I know I am skipping so much but it has now been a full month.  I am loving these little people so much, they are really starting to fit into our family and having a family of 5 kids is starting to be routine.  My house is now cleaner more often than a disaster which is a huge improvement and I am not so paranoid constantly about Aiden, he is following the rules a lot better.  Morgan is a sweet loving grumpy little thing.  She is a girlie girl that loves to have her hair done, loves shoes and bracelets.  She is my little helper and always wants loves.  She loves to read books too.  Aiden is a very fun loving ACTIVE boy!  He is finally starting to really warm up to me and I love it.  He is letting me play with him a lot more and give loves.  The other boys are adjusting very well.  I have been amazed.  Blake has a hard time being nice but is doing so well.  Their severance hearing is May 17th which my amazing SIL pointed out to me yesterday that the day is my FIL birthday.  I am getting distracted and writing is getting hard, too many kids LOL.  I will try to post again soon :)