Twins!!!!!

I should have posted a long time ago, this is going to be LONG!!!  Right from the beginning Dan and I knew we were doing the right thing and always said that whatever we were called to take we would take.  Our faith was in the Lord.  On March 26th I got a call for 19 month twin girls.  I was excited but TERRIFIED!!!  Twins have always scared me, I have admired those that I know who have done it.  I on the other hand never considered myself inside that group, put myself out of it to be pretty concise.  Despite the huge pit in my stomach I said yes.  Dan was out of town in Canada and I called and called trying to get a hold of him but couldn't.  I was going crazy wanting to talk to him!!  The CPS worker calls to confirm that I had said yes to 19 month old twin girls.  I again said yes.  He gave me a bit more info on the kids but ultimately I knew just about nothing.  Dan finally calls me back and I tell him about the twins, he goes quiet and said he has always felt like we were going to get twins and that we would receive a certain amount of money each month.  He was correct on both accounts, it was crazy.  We both felt joy and excitement over this at this point.  The case worker of the twins calls me and starts telling me about Morgan and Aiden, I stop her and say I thought it was two girls, she said, "I noticed that the paper work said that I am not sure why."  It is a boy/girl group that is 21 months old not 19 months.  Not that all of this makes that much difference but it just gives you an idea of what kind of info you actually get from these people.  Morgan and Aiden were born on July 17th with a significant amount of opiates in their little systems.  They had a morphine drip for 41 days to help with withdrawals.  They were taken away from mom immediately, dad had no interest in them at all.  They were placed into a foster home and soon after said they couldn't handle it and were placed in another.  They were in that home up until they came to us.  I do not think it was a fantastic home for them but I just don't know anything for sure so I am trying very hard to keep my judgements to myself and give the benefit of the doubt.  I call and talk to the foster mom and she says she will come drop them off on Wednesday at 9:00 a.m..  The case worker tells me about the case a bit, basically there is no family and they will soon be eligible for adoption.  That night as everything starts really setting in and I start panicking.  I know that this isn't just a placement but could be a permanent part of our family.  It is a huge decision.  I texted my SIL for a bit and she really helped calm me down.  I decided to fast about it.  That night I did not sleep, not even a little bit and I got a strong confirmation that this was what we are supposed to do.  I started trying to get ready for them and had more anxiety that I can even explain.  I talked to the boys a ton about all of this and they were excited which was a huge relief. 
On Wednesday morning I came home after dropping of the boys to school, finished cleaning up a bit and felt so much anxiety I wanted to vomit.  What if these kids don't fit in?  What if I don't love them????  What if this is a huge disaster and I am an idiot for even trying this?????????  What if, what if, what if?????  The doorbell finally rings.  I open the door and the most beautiful little people run in.  I sit right in front of the door almost because all I want to do is touch them.  I start bawling, these two little souls have already made a huge impression on my heart.  At that moment I know without a doubt I made the right decision.  They are of course little 21 month olds and want to look around and not be smothered by some odd stranger.  Morgan was said to be very distant and didn't like people but she instantly warmed up to me.  The foster mom was very surprised.  We talked about them, what they like and don't like, who they are etc.  After about a half an hour she brought in all their stuff and left them.  I kind of had to laugh because I now had three toddlers that are only 8 months apart.  What am I doing????  The morning was pretty chaotic, but they all went down for naps ok.  We went to the airport to pick up Dan that night and he got to meet them for the first time.  They were both pretty reserved to him but especially Morgan.  The next few weeks were straight chaos.  I was in tears a few times out of sheer frustration.  Aiden got into everything he wasn't supposed to, the same things over and over again.  I couldn't do anything, not clean or cook or even use the restroom because he was into something or doing something.  My every last nerve was used up.  Going places was a huge ordeal, I changed 17 diapers the first day.  I was on my knees almost all day, begging for help, begging to let me know if this is REALLY what I was supposed to do.  I got confirmation from the Lord on almost a daily basis but I still needed to ask on a daily basis.  Our lives have turned into this chaotic mess.  The second week Dan left out of town for the whole week and we all caught the flu.  It was a disaster.  We survived but the whole week was a disaster that I am so grateful to have behind me.  The best gift to me was my calling in church, I am the secretary in R.S., I know this sounds very lame but the weight of my own decision was weighing so heavily on me that being able to go out with some of the most amazing women and serving the women in my ward and seeing and hearing all of what they were going through made what I was going through seem like nothing.  It gave me strength and so much courage.  It has been such a huge blessing to me to be apart of.  I know I am skipping so much but it has now been a full month.  I am loving these little people so much, they are really starting to fit into our family and having a family of 5 kids is starting to be routine.  My house is now cleaner more often than a disaster which is a huge improvement and I am not so paranoid constantly about Aiden, he is following the rules a lot better.  Morgan is a sweet loving grumpy little thing.  She is a girlie girl that loves to have her hair done, loves shoes and bracelets.  She is my little helper and always wants loves.  She loves to read books too.  Aiden is a very fun loving ACTIVE boy!  He is finally starting to really warm up to me and I love it.  He is letting me play with him a lot more and give loves.  The other boys are adjusting very well.  I have been amazed.  Blake has a hard time being nice but is doing so well.  Their severance hearing is May 17th which my amazing SIL pointed out to me yesterday that the day is my FIL birthday.  I am getting distracted and writing is getting hard, too many kids LOL.  I will try to post again soon :)